For Giggles...

Discussion in 'The Pits' started by Captain, Oct 8, 2015.

By Captain on Oct 8, 2015 at 8:55 AM
  1. Captain

    Captain Active Member

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    I had to share my story from the other day.

    I was sitting at my local golf club waiting for a mate & sipping a nice cold one when I noticed a group middle age / older women sitting around a table not to far way. I overheard their conversation's & soon realized that they where a Widowers club of some sorts. Trying to mind my own business I witnessed another woman had joined there group & I watched as they made introductions & as one asked the new arrival. "How long have you been a widow?" She replied that she has been widowed Three times already. "Ohh that's sad" they responded.
    "How are you feeling?" a woman from the other side of the table asked her with concern in her voice. This new woman, I didn't catch her name responded by saying she missed the intimacy most of all. The same concerned woman then asked her to tell them about her late husbands...

    "My first husband". She said. "was an Gynecologist, but all he ever wanted to do was just stare at me...."
    "My second husband was an Psychologist. & all he ever wanted to do was Talk about it..."
    "My third husband". & she started to sob. "was a Stamp collector." ........"Sob. God I Miss Him." she said.
     
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Comments

Discussion in 'The Pits' started by Captain, Oct 8, 2015.

    1. The Dude

      The Dude Well-Known Member

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      LOL !!!!!!!
       
    2. Beaver

      Beaver Well-Known Member

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      Stamps: lickem, stickem, send them on their way. :p
       
    3. Geena

      Geena Well-Known Member

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      Well @Captain....you effectively caused me to spit coffee all over my monitor screen. LMBO... that was a good one. :D
       
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    4. smakmeharder

      smakmeharder Administrator

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      A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

      The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some homework." The robot slaps the son.
      The son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies."

      Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching p0rn."

      Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what p0rn was." The robot slaps the father.

      Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother.




      Robot for sale...
       
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    5. Captain

      Captain Active Member

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      An Englishman, a Scotsman & an Irishman, old friends, met at the pub for a regular drink to catch up on their lives. They all said G'Day to each other and asked how were things going with the family etc.
      The Englishman piped up and said all was good but he had made a discovery about his teenage daughter not so long ago. What's the problem they asked.. " I discovered a packet of cigarettes under her bed. I'm very disappointed in her, I didn't know she smoked".
      Patting him on the back, the Scotsman said "Well your not alone mate. I discovered a bottle of Whiskey under my daughters bed not so long ago, I didn't know she drank".
      "I see we all have problems with our kids these days". said the Irishman. "I also discovered a disappointing thing the other day, a packet of Condoms in her room... I didn't know she had a C-CK!"
       
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    6. Captain

      Captain Active Member

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      Prince Charles arrives in Iran on an official visit. He asks the president, "Where is the Shah?" "What do you mean?" says the president. "There is no Shah. We got rid of the Shah years ago." "In that case," says Charles, "I'll have a bath."
      [​IMG]
       
    7. Captain

      Captain Active Member

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      Bert at 85 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples, so seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them and he was so delighted with his purchase decided to wear them home to show the Mrs.

      Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice anything different about me? Margaret at age 83, looked him over and replied, “Nope.”

      Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf shoes. Again he asked Margaret, a littlelouder this time, “Notice anything different NOW???”

      Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, “Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow!”

      Furious, Bert yells out, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?”

      “Nope. Not a clue”, she replied.

      “IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S POINTING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!!!!

      “Without missing a beat old Margaret replies, “You should have bought a new golf hat."
       
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    8. smakmeharder

      smakmeharder Administrator

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      A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks....

      'Excuthe me thir, do you have any widdle wabbits?'

      The shopkeepers heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he is on her level, and in a child like voice says,

      "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fwuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?


      The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels and puts her hands on her knees - leans forward and whispers into the shopkeepers ear.....

      "I dont weally fink my pyfon gives a phuk..."
       
    9. Beaver

      Beaver Well-Known Member

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      OMG! LMAO!
       
    10. smakmeharder

      smakmeharder Administrator

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      Where on earth did you find this @Beaver? Maybe an estrogen fueled RC Helicopter pilot took one to many trips - and came up with "Peoto Copter"!
       
    11. Beaver

      Beaver Well-Known Member

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      It's a t.v. commercial here for a indigestion remedy. I was looking for the one I had just seen and found this one that was even funnier!
       
    12. smakmeharder

      smakmeharder Administrator

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      Where do we buy a pepto copter!!! we should do a review on it....
       
    13. Geena

      Geena Well-Known Member

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      Could be in stock at the same store where the evil one gets those pink rifles and frilly pink dresses. ;)
       
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    14. Beaver

      Beaver Well-Known Member

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      Uhg. I might have done up a Heli with the Pepto paint job..... till you reaffirmed the association with @Crash Heligod and pink stuff. No way now. :p
       
    15. simon

      simon Well-Known Member

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      You may be right @Geena, I think we have discovered @Crash Heligod 's heli - LOLOL
      Simon
       
    16. Captain

      Captain Active Member

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      An old sailor is heading back to port after 6 months at sea & one of the young crew men asks him what is he going to do when he gets a shore?
      The old sailor replied with, " I'm going to enjoy me self a nice juice rump steak, then I'll head to the tavern and get very drunk.
      When I'm good & drunk I'm going to visit the lady's at the parlor and gets me a pretty one".
      The young crew member pats him on the back & says "good luck".
      Later that nigh the old sailor is staggering down the street with a belly full and a smile on his face. He opens the door of the parlor a falls in. He picks himself a lovely woman & they get to business.
      After a few minutes the old sailor asked the girl. "How am I doing luv?" She looks at him, recognizing the old bloke is a sailor of many years and says. "I recon your doing about three knots".
      The old bloke gets a smile on his face and says "How do you figure?"
      "Well. Your Knot hard, Your Knot in & your Knot getting your money back" she replied.
      :D
       
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    17. simon

      simon Well-Known Member

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      bump
       
    18. Captain

      Captain Active Member

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      eggselent.jpg
       
    19. ChopsyWA

      ChopsyWA Well-Known Member

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      The Polite Way to Pee.

      During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

      'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her you have to go to the bathroom?'

      Michael said: 'Excuse me,I need to pee.'

      The teacher responded:

      'That would be quite impolite.

      What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

      Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'

      'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

      And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

      Johnny said: 'I would say
      "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'
       
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